When you decide to have five children, it's only natural that people will start asking about your planned family size. Jim Gaffigan has a whole bit about it. "Is this the last one?" has been among the top five questions I'm asked by friends, family, and strangers alike since the day my protruding belly made our most recent addition's impending arrival evident. I think most people wonder if we've decided to compete with the Duggars or if we've finally come to our senses. My standard answer during pregnancy was something along the lines of, "Yes, this will most likely be our last. I always wanted a big family and five feels 'big' to me." Although my husband and I essentially agreed on seven being the final number of Halseys in our household, my heart refused to allow me to answer a definitive "yes"to the frequent inquiries.
When the same question has been posed to me during the last few months, my borderline definitive answer that Mae is most likely our last child has morphed into "she's supposed to be." Yes, the itch to hold another red, puffy-faced, vernix covered newborn in my arms and against my tired, labor exhausted chest; to lift her to my breast to nurse for the first time and lock eyes with the new life that was formed in my womb; to assure her in quiet whispers just minutes after birth that I will take care of her and love her forever-- that itch, always come unnaturally soon for me. I have a six month old baby for heavens sake! I guess I'm addicted to the joy and empowerment that comes with that life-giving aspect of womanhood. What a miracle procreation is and what a privilege God has given to women. I have been so blessed.
So... Mae is "supposed to be" our last baby. But the thing is, lately I've had serious doubts. I don't know if I can bear seeing friends announce new pregnancies knowing I'll never have another newborn of my own. I have an inkling though, that such a feeling may be natural, normal even. From what I've heard, some women have a clear spiritual affirmation when their family is complete and that feeling remains consistently strong, while other women who feel similarly that they are done bearing children still experience a sort of longing for their childbearing years. I keep asking myself if I fit in that second category, or if, perhaps, God does have another little person in store for our family.
I also wonder, however, if rather than truly feeling our family is incomplete, I'm just afraid of the idea of never having a baby again because it means moving on from a stage of life I've been in for so long. Until a month ago, I'd been either pregnant or nursing a baby for more than eight years straight, and I currently still have a baby under a year old. I was lucky enough to conceive for the first time a short six months after our wedding so the only married life I've really known is one with a baby either in my belly or attached to my hip, and usually both at the same time. It's also during these same years that I've truly come to know myself as a woman and gained confidence in who I am as an individual. It seems only natural that a huge portion of my adult identity has been forged around and is intertwined with being a mother to many tiny children. Who am I without that? It's overwhelmingly busy, stressful, and exhausting, but also more rewarding than anything else I can imagine. Everywhere I go, I'm noticed as the mom who has her "hands full"- who am I when my hands aren't "full" in the same way? I can honestly say that the idea of forming an identity independent of being a mother to 3 kids under 4, or 4 kids 5 and under, or 5 kids 7 and under scares me. If I'm being completely honest, I think there's a part of me that selfishly doesn't want to let go of the recognition I get for being a mom who people think can "do it all" (yeah right!) with a gaggle of kids in tow. I know there are many, many years of mothering ahead of me, a lifetime even, some of which will undoubtedly prove even more emotionally and spiritually taxing than the past eight years. I doubt, however, that they will be as demanding of my time and physical energy as my years raising babies, toddlers, and preschoolers all at once. And to all the experienced mothers who are shaking their heads, knowing the fatigue of the sports carpools, seminary mornings, and science project deadlines that lie ahead, I'm sure I have no idea what I'm in for.
As I've pondered on this subject, I've realized that the demanding nature of having so many small children has actually been an excuse, albeit a legitimate one, for me to avoid developing and stretching myself in other ways. I haven't had time to focus on exercising regularly, haven't been able to reach out to every person I know I could help; there are old friendships that have gone neglected out of necessity and new friendships that could have been formed but haven't simply because of time constraints. Once all my kids are in school in a few years (well, if Mae is our last that's still five years away- ha!) and I have at least a few unscheduled hours in the day, I'll actually be responsible for deciding how to spend that free time. That's both a luxury and responsibility I haven't enjoyed for quite some time. That isn't to say that mothers of young children shouldn't spend time taking care of themselves; a lesson it's taken many years for me to learn. But going from a mom who feels guilty even putting her kids in the gym daycare for an hour so I can work out or drying my hair when I could be reading to my preschooler to one who has several child-free hours in the day scares me a little. Will I suddenly be expected to keep a spotless house now that I'll have time to clean? Should I use my time selflessly serving others by volunteering with a different charity each day? Do I actually take up a hobby, and if so, what on earth would it be and wouldn't it be selfish to do something fun while my husband is working to support our family? Time is such a precious commodity and once I actually have a bit to spare, I want a plan for how to use it. I'm clearly making the transition away from the stage of having babies at home much more complicated than it needs to be, but hey, that's what I do. And despite how natural it may be for many mothers to move to a new stage of life, switching my mind and heart from baby making mode to purely child rearing mode feels like a huge adjustment. It feels like reinventing myself.
Perhaps part of my confusion stems from the fact that in all honesty, I've rarely included God in my decision to grow our family. Mostly because I'm of the firm belief that if we have a righteous desire, we can be confident in acting on it of our own volition. Keeping the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth, especially when you have the financial means to do so, is surely a righteous desire. I always assumed God was pleased when we decided to have another child so I never really bothered to seriously ask him if we should. Deciding to stop having children is a totally different story. Actively preventing him from blessing us with future offspring needs to be a choice we make with God's will in mind, and I guess I'm not yet sure what his will is. I'm so mixed up with my own desires, emotions, and maybe even hormones, that I haven't yet heard his voice clearly through the chaos of my mind. Like someone said in the Sunday School class I taught on Sunday, it would sure be nice if God could just send me a clear, concise text message. Sounds a lot easier than putting in the time and effort to learn to recognize the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me through the noise of life.
When I do feel the confirming voice of the Spirit that our family is complete, whether now or sometime in the future, I have no doubt I'll mourn what I'm moving on from. No more nursing babies to sleep or watching them learn to crawl; no more wiping running noses or kissing boo boos away; no more preschool mother's day concerts or teaching them their letters. The past eight years have molded me into the woman I am today, and I'm proud of who I've become. But I'm also sure that what will lie ahead of me-- years of leading, teaching, playing with, and learning from my children; watching them make good and bad choices and experiencing happiness and heartaches; seeing them discover who they want to be-- will bring me just as much joy and perhaps even more satisfaction than the stage of life I'm currently in. And I'm also hoping that once I get used to having a few hours to myself each day I'll eventually be able to dry my hair guilt-free.
So to you mothers who know their families are complete, how exactly did you come to "know"? And once you knew, was it still hard to move on to the next stage of life? How long until you could attend a baby shower without being at least a little sad that you'd never have another sweet smelling fresh new babe of your own?
5 comments :
Beautiful post! I can tell you first hand, that even though we are done with 4, the plan was 5. But God had different plans for us. I can no longer have anymore children. My doctors are afraid I will bleed to death if I have anymore. The longing for more children is there all the time. It almost brings me to tears when I see announcements, baby pics, and baby shower invites. I have had to pray fervently to God to help me past this stage in my life. I wish I could move on faster like my husband is, but it is different for a woman than a man. I know all of the miscarriages I've had are precious children waiting for us. My kids say that we have 11 kids instead of just 4. I hope and pray that I will get the opportunity to raise them!
I am one who had a clear spiritual affirmation that I was done having children. Once it came, (and I hadn't been actively seeking for it at the time. It was something that would come to my mind on occasion whether or not to have another, and if so, when.) But once it came and I told Brad about it, the wonder of if/when didn't come back. But as time has gone on and I see more women announcing pregnancies, there is a sadness that that stage in life is over. But there is so much good in the next phase too! Even though I love the newborn phase, having older kids has a lot of perks :)
I have a friend who has voiced not being sure if she's finished having kids, even though part of her is done mentally, physically, etc because she hasn't received that spiritual affirmation. I personally think that not everyone will. Maybe some need a stronger impression than others to know their family is complete. While some plan on having 2,4,5, etc and stick with that plan, that's okay too. It's sometimes hard to move on from something we've been used to for so long, but in the end we will continue to grow in leaps and bounds in these new roles as we progress in life.
Jess your 4 kids and future babies in heaven are so lucky to have you! It can be so hard to switch gears and accept God's plan when it's different from our own.
Thank you for your wise words Kara!
I love this post Ashley. I have been struggling with these very same feelings! After I had my 3rd, I had so many physical problems that I couldn't imagine going through it again. But I haven't felt totally ready to be "done" either. Now that my baby will be starting kindergarten, it feels so strange to be moving on to a different stage. I don't think I'm quite ready. But as much as I love babies, I also go through a bit of difficult post partum depression every time and my babies have all been very fussy. That part is so hard for me. But nothing beats those baby snuggles and the silliness of toddlers and preschoolers. There is nothing so exquisitely hard nor so exquisitely wonderful as motherhood!
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