5 Easy steps to become the worst mom you can be

Follow these fail-proof steps and you're guaranteed to be a worse mom than you ever thought possible!

1. Get as little sleep as you can.

People may tell you to nap when your kids are napping, but that advice is for lazy moms who have messy houses and don't consistently cook three meals a day from scratch. Napping is a waste of time. In addition to avoiding naps at all costs, be sure to stay up into the wee hours of the night binging on pointless shows you'll probably regret watching in the morning. Suffering from exhaustion, you'll be infinitely less patient with and more easily annoyed by your kids the next day. What kid doesn't need a little more scary mommy in his life?

2. Browse the social media accounts of "lifestyle" bloggers you don't know in real life.

Do this every chance you get: First thing in the morning before you get out of bed, while the kids are eating lunch, even bathroom breaks are a great opportunity. In fact, it's a great replacement activity on those late nights you're sick of watching reality shows or Netflix series. You've just found a new hobby! Ignore the fact that the life these women portray on the internet is only a tiny fraction of their real, messy reality, and be sure to compare the worst parts of yourself with their strengths. You'll probably forget about your many blessings and be filled with an empty longing for more and a deep feeling of inadequacy. After you stare at picture after picture of other people's kids wearing handmade knit overalls and bonnets sitting on vintage quilts blowing dandelions in the middle of a field or happily playing with a single block on a hard wood floor in an empty white room, your own kids will look like little monsters. Winning!

3. Never do anything for yourself.

Your needs don't matter! Being a good mom requires that you spend 24/7 365 days a year thinking about and doing for your kids. Mommy friends? Who needs 'em! Both breaks and moral support are for the weak. As resentment grows and you feel emotionally depleted and physically exhausted, remind yourself that you're definitely a better mother than the woman who takes time out for date nights, girls nights out, and perhaps even a hobby.

4. Resent your partner.

Some people may see their husband as a teammate or partner, but the man who co-created your children probably does much less for them than you do, doesn't he? Can't he do anything the way you would (aka the right way)? Every time he leaves for work remember how much easier his days are than yours and resent every tantrum you suffer through that he misses. When they're at their worst, look at your kids as a burden he's dumped on you and is never enough help with.

5. Over schedule as many days as possible.

The goal is to always be in a rush. Playdates, activities, errands; squeeze in as many car trips as you can in a day. You're not a good mom unless your kids are in soccer, swimming, gymnastics, piano lessons, and girl or boy scouts, all at the same time. The constant battles with the kids to get in and out of the car and the overstimulation of so many different people and places will without a doubt result in multiple meltdowns by the kids, and consequently, you too. And don't forget that 20 minute naps on the go in the car rather than a good solid sleep in his bed will leave your toddler cranky and irritable. Success!