Having it all together

Today as I drove out of the Costco parking lot, I pondered about what I've learned as a mother lately. I don't get a lot of pondering time so I take a moment when I get it. As I was driving, an interesting paradox struck me. The more I feel like I'm really "getting" this motherhood thing, the less it probably appears that way to others.

 Let me explain.

 I used to (and still sometimes do) worry about my kids' outfits. Seriously. I wanted them to look cute and put together, not primarily because I enjoy children's fashion, but because, in all honestly, I saw how they were dressed as a reflection on me. I would cringe if my daughter put on stripes and floral (this was before clashing patterns became a "thing" by the way) and would do everything in my power to convince her to wear something else. There were times I even hurt her feelings because despite my best efforts to mask my real motivation, she could tell I simply didn't like what she chose to wear. How sad and how selfish of me. I always admired the mom who seemed to let her kids wear character clothing from Walmart to their heart's content; her child who just learned to dress himself in backwards gym shorts, and her little girl wearing Christmas tights under shorts in July. I wished I could let go of trying to control my kids' fashion choices. On the other side of the coin, I also admire mothers whose children wear the latest trends and have perfectly styled hair. My children have lived up to that ideal from time to time, but for us, it was at the expense of peace in our home and my children's self-confidence. This morning my son came out of his room dressed for school in an outfit I never, ever would have chosen myself. He's recently taken up basketball and adopted a love for athletic clothes, which he mixes and matches with the preppy Gap clothing I prefer and bought previously in a way that makes me cringe. As my husband was heading out the door for work, I whispered to him "I've gotten so much better. I didn't feel the need to say a thing to Miles."

It may be that people used to think my kids looked put together, but now that I've matured into a mother that values their self-esteem and individual choice over my own pride, people could think that I'm a mom who doesn't care. 

I used to react to my children's behavior in public out of a fear of what others would think of their poor choices, and consequently, of my parenting. I'd sometime scold them more swiftly when other parents were around to show that I knew how to keep my children in line. As I've come to understand the differences between my kids, I've learned that not all kids can be molded to fit most people's vision (obviously non-parents) for how a child should act in public. Nor should they be forced to. We have a son who cannot sit still and listen. He needs to be doing something, holding something, looking at something. And when he is, he hears and retains everything. When I saw him having difficulty remaining still in the children's Sunday School last Sunday, instead of fruitlessly reminding him to turn around and sit on his rear, I handed him a book to look at. Because I knew that although some kids his age may be able to motionlessly and silently absorb a lesson, he can't. The other kids may not be allowed to hold a toy or book, but his mommy knows he needed something in his hands. And a big thanks to his amazing preschool teacher Mrs. Beth for helping me realize that.

Some people may have admired my effective parenting and consistent follow through when I didn't let any of my children's misbehaviors slide, but now that I care more about molding them into loving, character-filled adults rather than perfectly behaved Stepford children, some might think I give in too easily or ignore too much.

I used to play with my kids for hours on end every day. It was exhausting. This strict regimen came about mostly because I have a son (a different one) whose love language is quality time 100% and no matter how much time you spend with him, his time bucket is never full. Before he started school we did crafts, read books, built forts, played with blocks, on and on day after day. We had so much fun and made so many great memories, but although his quality time bucket was filling up, my energy bucket was bone dry. I still love playing with my children and try to make sure to spend some one-on-one time with each of them every day, but I've realized what an important skill it is for kids to learn to play with each other independent of any adults and also to entertain themselves. That it's possible to be perfectly happy without being constantly entertained is an important life lesson!

I remember proudly telling other mothers how much time I spent playing with my kids on the living room carpet each day in a way that might have made them question if they were spending enough time with their children. They may have thought I was a really great mother. Today, I wouldn't be surprised if someone like my old self wondered if I was a little selfish for ordering my kids to play outside and not ask me for anything for 30 minutes*. But I know my limits and know that I can't be a good mother when my bucket is empty. Me time isn't only for me, it's essential for the happiness of our whole family.

I've thrown the photo worthy Pinterest parties. And it was fun, except for the parts that weren't. The late night crafting that led to a cranky mom the next day, the stressed out search for the perfect coordinating items. Much like my children's clothing, I've realized that although things being pretty isn't a bad goal in and of itself, it can be if it means you're sacrificing something more important, like a loving, calm demeanor. I'm sure most of you already know this, but kids DO NOT care about homemade decorations, homemade food, homemade anything. In fact, they love the store bought stuff way more and going to Party City to pick up some made-in-China themed paper goods and cheap-o pinata has made my kids more happy than any beautiful handcrafted decor I've ever created. I'll still throw a pretty party if I feel like it, and if I have the time (yeah, right), but seeing the joy on my son's face when I let him have a "Lego miner" themed birthday and haphazardly decorate his own cake with random Lego figures and accessories brought me so much more joy than any praise I've received from adult party attendees for trendy mini chalkboard signs.

You're guaranteed to be admired for throwing creative, beautiful parties, but you're also guaranteed to be absolutely adored by a child who is allowed to throw the party of his dreams, not yours. I love that I can now recognize when I'm putting in effort to please those outside my inner circle versus when I'm doing it to please those who matter most. And your husband will definitely thank you when he realizes that the store-bought stuff cost 90% less than the crafting supplies you would have otherwise purchased.

You know who really "has it all together?"

The mom whose teenage daughter dies her hair a different color every month; she knows that her beautiful girl's hairstyle has no bearing on the goodness of her heart.

The mother who is always late for everything (we all have that friend), not because she doesn't care but because she puts being a patient, peaceful presence for her slow-to-get-ready kids ahead of shouting at them all morning to hurry up and complete the next task.

The mom whose house is messy because she used the time she was supposed to clean to instead snuggle and read to a child who really needed some mommy time.

I guess my point is that appearing to have it all together is definitely not all it's cut out to be. For me, letting go of other people's expectations (and even some of my own) and learning to prioritize my family's growth and happiness over forcing us into being the lifeless picture perfect family photo I sometimes have in my mind has made such a difference. I often think people who see us must wonder how we're all still alive, but it feels so good to not care.

*Rarely do they stay outside and never, ever do they not ask for anything, but I keep trying!

Also, my husband says this post should be called "What men have always known." Ha!