No buts about it

Last night I found myself annoyed with my husband over something small. So small that I have no recollection of what he did that got on my nerves. I acted bothered and when he asked what he did wrong I immediately knew I was the one at fault and wished I hadn't (yet again) found myself irritated unnecessarily.

"It's one of my character flaws, I get annoyed too easily; I know. I'm sorry," I said, 

"But..."

I stopped myself.

I realized there was no 'but' to add.

I've always placed a lot of value on apologizing quickly and easily. My parents, especially my mom, set a good example of saying sorry to us when they lost their temper. I say sorry to my kids freely and readily admit my weaknesses and mistakes so they understand that none of us is perfect. I try to teach them that a person who recognizes their flaws and strives to overcome them should be admired. While the words "I'm sorry" easily cross my lips with my kids, I have to admit that's not always the case when I should be speaking them to my husband. I know how important apologies are to a healthy relationship, but my pride sometimes enjoys letting my irritation hover over him for a while before I apologize. Darn pride--it always seems to be tripping me up. In the end, I do tell my husband I'm sorry and I've been getting better at saying those words more quickly. Please don't fact check with him on that one.

Although I've consistently offered apologies to my loved ones, after last I night, I recognized a gaping flaw in their content. I often express a sincere "I'm sorry" followed quickly by a "but..." qualifier.

To the kids:

"I'm sorry Mommy lost her temper... but you really should have obeyed the first time." 

"I'm sorry I got frustrated... but you need to be a better listener."

To my husband:

"I'm sorry what I said hurt you... but I don't think you understand what I really meant." 

"I'm sorry I was annoyed... but we've talked about this so many times."

Are these really apologies? I'm starting to realize they aren't. These statements are examples of trying to repair the relationship without accepting full responsibility for the wrong I perpetrated. A true apology puts us on the path of repentance; the essence of Christianity. Where is repentance without a sincere apology to the person you've offended? Even if you aren't religious, there is much to be learned from what scripture says about really being sorry.

Psalm 32:5 teaches us a bit about sincere repentance:

"I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid." 

It's pretty clear that when we try to qualify our apologies with either a justification of why we hurt someone or what the other person should have done differently, we're, in a sense, attempting to hide our iniquity.

Alma taught very clearly, "Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins." (Alma 42:30) James 5:16 tell us to "Confess [our] faults one to another." 

Are we confessing fault if we apologize but try to explain away our behavior? When I ruin an apology to my kids with an excuse, I teach them that they're not responsible for their own actions, others are. When I explain away my behavior to my husband, I show him that I value my wants and needs over his. 

I have a little saying written on a piece of paper on the wall in my kitchen that reads, 

"Don't get angry, get humble."

I think I may need to tape up another one next to it that adds,

"Get humble and apologize, no buts about it." 

"What progress can there be for a man unconscious of his faults? Such a man has lost the fundamental element of growth, which is the realization that there is something bigger, better, and more desirable than the condition in which he now finds himself..." 

"It is not uncommon for people to have remorse for mistakes made, for follies and sins committed, but to have no turning away from such frailties and evils. They may even feel penitent; but 'penitence,' we are told, 'is transient, and may involve no change of character or conduct.' Repentance, on the other hand, 'is sorrow for sin with self-condemnation, and complete turing away from the sin.' It is, therefore, more than mere remorse; 'it comprehends a change of nature befitting heaven.'" 

David O. McKay