Being a "happy" mom

A friend of mine shared Phililppians 4:11 as her scripture verse of the week a few months ago and it's been a fairly constant thought/mantra in my mind since. I have to admit that there are moments, hours, days, and from time to time, even weeks when I don't feel "happy" in the traditional sense. I like to believe I'm a generally happy person, but what really resonates with me is the concept of contentment. Neither I, nor Paul in the quote above, is talking about contentment as a lackadaisical satisfaction with the status quo. The contentment I want to talk about is as a form of happiness that exists regardless of circumstances.

I've had and continue to enjoy more than my fair share of stereotypically happy times and I would be remiss to not mention that my life has been one of incredible ease compared to most. But there are inevitably some difficult times when you're raising little humans. Sometimes I'm frustrated because my kids have literally ignored ever single thing I've asked them to do all day. Sometimes I'm discouraged because they've been fighting something awful for several days in a row and our home feels like a sea of contention instead of the harbor of refuge I want it to be. There have also been times during mommyhood that I've felt friendless, and embarrassingly enough, even left out. As an adolescent I always assumed that feeling wouldn't be part of the emotional vocabulary of adulthood, but apparently it is. 

No matter what my current emotional state, I always know deep within that I am an incredibly blessed woman. Unfortunately that doesn't mean those negative emotions don't exist, and it definitely doesn't mean they aren't real and 100% valid. In fact, my personal opinion is that sadness is an essential and irreplaceable part of the human experience (and I didn't just learn that from the movie Inside Out, haha). Learning not to wallow in sadness and let it dominate our day to day existence is the trick, or maybe even the lesson we have to learn. And that's where contentment comes in: happiness that exists regardless of circumstances. An overriding sense of well-being simply because we know that we are enough. 

But how do we keep our eyes on contentment in "whatsoever state" we're in when that state is a pretty darn frustrating or discouraging one? I've found that it's amazing how much attitude, sheer grit, and conscious choice can affect our mood and outlook on life. I'm not talking about people who are clinically depressed here of course, and I'm also not necessarily writing this to women suffering through intense trials like severe illness, death, or divorce. I'm speaking for myself and others like me who feel down or discouraged from time to time, especially in the realm of motherhood. Like many of you, the first place I turn to restore my sense of contentment is gratitude. Writing out a list of what I'm grateful for has never proved especially helpful to me, but I have found something that pretty much unfailingly turns my heart toward thanks. It probably seems silly, but my little trick to boost my gratitude meter is to look back at my Instagram account. When I see my kids' happy faces, special date nights with my husband, and fun family outings, even my children's past mischievous antics bring a smile to my face in hindsight. 

I think there's a reason we usually share mostly the happy parts of our lives on social media. I know there are plenty of people who get annoyed that Facebook and Instagram (and Snapchat? Not sure about that one--I've been avoiding a new addiction) are often used to portray a "false" reality, stripped of the flaws and hardships of our "real" lives. I think the reason many of us do it, though, isn't necessarily to impress others. Instead, it's a way of reminding, or even convincing ourselves that that's what our life is really like. Isn't that what we want it to be? The beautiful, joyful parts stripped of the stress and sadness. I think our own memories often act in a similar way. Just talk to my mother about how easy my sisters and I were as infants. I don't believe for a second that we all unfailingly slept through the night from six weeks on or that each of us was potty trained in one day at 18 months old using the complicated method of "just putting underwear" on us. My mom is far from the only mother I know who remembers the happy parts of raising children much more vividly than the difficult times, and I actually look forward to some of the hard parts fading into the fog of my memory too. Recording pictures and happy thoughts on social media has proven an invaluable tool for me to remind myself of all I've been blessed with. Perusing my chatbooks is always an instant pick-me-up. Choosing to focus my thoughts on thankfulness and happy memories clouds out and puts into perspective my current frustration.

I feel the need to mention that motherhood isn't all discouragement and negativity for me. Most of the time, raising my five little beauties brings me so much joy. I love making up silly songs and having dance parties with my kids, baking banana bread with Calvin, doing puzzles with (read: for) Tess, reading The Illustrated Classics to Lila, drawing basketball players with Miles, and snuggling Mae against my chest in the carrier. There are moments when I feel like my heart could burst because of how much I love them and how fulfilled I feel by this wonderful life I lead. Like when I sit with the baby snuggled on my lap in the driveway as we watch the other kids smile and sprint through the spring green grass while the sprinklers cool their little bodies off on a warm day. I hold on to those perfect moments fiercely, placing them safely in my back pocket as ammunition against the lie that sometimes pops into my head in the midst of a hard day; the lie that my life isn't good enough for one reason or another, or that I'm not good enough for one reason or another. Luckily I have a whole stockpile of contentment ammo to shoot those lies right out of the sky; I just have to remember to use it.

In addition to contentment being a choice, I would argue that learning to be "happy" in spite of circumstance is also an acquired skill. Notice how in the scripture above, Paul says he's "learned" to be content. It's definitely something I'm learning more every day. I believe that as mothers, it's vitally important for us to model for and teach our children that it's possible to be content no matter what. A bad day does not equal a bad life. Feeling lonely almost never means you're all alone. I've decided that one thing I want my kids to be able to unequivocally say is that they have a mother who is content. I guess I'll have to teach them what that word means first, so maybe for now I'll settle with them knowing that mom is "happy." I may not always be gleeful, but I want to show them that contentment is something they can practice and learn for themselves, starting with gratitude and moving on from there. If I'm able to raise kids who know how to be content in "whatsoever circumstance" they are in, I'll count that as a huge success. And I'm pretty sure that seeing their contentment will shoot my own gratitude meter through the roof.